Sensitivity

It was once said: "Sensitivity isn't about being wimpy. It's about being so painfully aware that a flea landing on a dog is like a sonic boom."

I believe so deeply in that quote. I believe so deeply in many things, in many people, but each time I do, each time I love, I forget to love myself. It's not to say that I have poor self esteem, but I question if people love me, my friends, my family. and I question, if they do, why would they? I'm disturbed, and tormented. My image of me is of that anyway. My brain is scattered, my memory at time feels shot, I obsess over small things and it disables me. It stop me from doing this I love to do. I don't like that- i don't want to be like that.

I wish I could talk to somebody about these feelings, someone who isn't my mother, someone who isn't my therapist and someone who isn't my blogspot blank page.

This week has been tough. I feel very much out of control of my own energy, of my own emotions. I am at first able to gather my thoughts, but then when directing at somebody or aiming towards something productive, I shut down. I am human. and with that natural flaw, I allow myself to get upset with people. After a while, you can trust somebody, and trust in them, and trust in what you think they believe in, but when their habits don't change, when they don't reach out to you, when they ignore you and treat you like shit, it's very hard to keep your trust in somebody when they let you down so often. I will say for me though, it doesn't take much to gain my trust, in fact it takes very little. I ask for one thing: respect. but sadly, it takes twice as long for you to gain it back. because you've broken me, and carelessly pounded on the gates of my soul, as if to come in, but to decide to leave without even a note.

I wish people would take the time to read what I say, and maybe they do. But for me, I am not a person who can have deep conversations over lunch with you. I am not socially awkward or anything, but I feel very much out of control of myself when I am not near pen and paper. With pen and paper, I am able to cross out what I say, erase what i say, delete what I say. But when I am in public, it's as if my mouth has no filter. For instance this blog, I am trying to explain to you who I am. I am not trying to "Justify" who I am.

And the more I explain, the more upset the other person gets. The more annoyed he or she gets. and for me, an I, unable to express through words or action, am left here wondering where exactly this started blowing up.